Stuck here

Well, I'm stuck in America, and indeed in this town, for the foreseeable future. This is a Bad Thing. I wanted to study Historical Linguistics at the Humboldt University in Berlin, Germany, and short of that, to study the same subject in the US. I still want that, but without a scholarship (I've been rejected by all of the institutions to which I applied), it is impossible.

I do of course want to be in a foreign land, surrounded by exciting and exotic things and people, conversing in strange tongues with ease, but the exoticism will only get me so far, I know. The novelty will wear off, I will be in need of friends and familiarity, and I will experience real loneliness.

But the thrill of living in Europe is only one reason I want to go to Berlin. I want to feel like I'm working toward my dreams. I need to know that even if I'm struggling, even if I stumble on my metaphorical path to wherever it is I think I'm going in life, at least I will know enough about the nature of my quandary to be able to work toward a solution. I guess I'm saying I need my problems to be ones I understand and can solve, rather than ones that I neither comprehend nor feel capable of solving.

I've felt for a while now that I am not really good at anything anymore. I was always a really good student and excelled in school. That was fine until I graduated and found I have no idea how to put my studenting skills to use outside of an academic setting. I've been taking a course or two at a local university these past few months, and in addition to giving me something to do besides wallow in my inadequacy at acquiring and retaining jobs, it has reminded me just how good I am at being a student. I had forgotten that I was able to do anything well at all.

The realization that I am not in fact a complete waste of space (that is sadly not facetious) has done wonders for my state of mind. I've stumbled on a secret to a happy life: do what you're good at. I'm sure I'd been told that before, but it didn't quite sink in until just recently. As I was growing up, I was in school, and since I excelled at school, I was happy, but once I'd graduated from college, I was lost. I have either been unemployed or had jobs I hated. I hated the jobs I've had since college because they made no use of my real skills and required me to be strong in exactly those areas where I am weakest.

Thus it is all the more important for me to get back to my education. In order to spend my life indulging in my strengths (learning, explaining, making connections), I need to get another degree or two. And, conveniently enough, the very pursuit of further education will help my self-confidence immensely, for reasons I have explained.

That is why the news that I won't be starting any degree program at all this fall, let alone the one in the world I really want, was so particularly soul-crushing. I've been hesitant to post about it, because I generally don't like pouring my negativity and depression onto the internet for all to see (although I can't imagine my audience is very large; I don't tell anyone I have a blog unless directly asked since I'm not sure it's really worth reading).

I suppose the way to get through this must be to view this coming year as an opportunity for growth rather than another year wasted before I can begin my real life. We all make our own luck (I heard on the radio recently that people who see themselves as unlucky do less to avoid risky situations [they figure terrible things are going to happen regardless of their actions] and are less likely to survive serious illnesses), so it's crucial to see things in a positive light. As the venerable Ace Ventura once said, it's all psychological.

And truthfully, I'm doing better than I would have expected.